The Lies We Tell in Love

Why Monogamy Often Rewards Silence Over Truth

Let’s talk about a strange truth: in many traditional monogamous relationships, lying—or at least, not telling the whole truth—can feel like a safer bet than radical honesty.

We’re not talking about lying about cheating or double lives (though that happens plenty). We're talking about the tiny, daily choices to not say what you really want. To not ask for something different in the bedroom. To not admit you're curious about someone else. To not speak up when you’re lonely inside the relationship.

Because somewhere along the line, monogamy came with a script:“You complete me.”“I only have eyes for you.”“You’re everything I’ll ever need.”

That script is romantic—but it’s also restrictive. It creates an unspoken rule:If you want anything outside the partnership (attention, affection, touch, play), it must mean something is wrong insidethe partnership.

So people learn to suppress, to swallow desire, to shape-shift into the version of themselves that seems easiest to love. All in the name of keeping the peace.

But what if this peace is actually a quiet war against our own needs?

Radical Honesty Feels Dangerous… Because It Is

Being radically honest—about your desires, your fantasies, even your fears—can feel like holding a lit match near dry grass. Because in many monogamous models, our partner’s honesty can threaten the identity of the relationship.

“You want to be touched differently? Does that mean I’m not enough?”“You had a connection with someone else? Are you falling out of love with me?”“You need more affection? I thought we were happy!”

So instead, people hide the truth behind smiles. They self-soothe with porn or fantasy or crushes they’ll never admit to. They convince themselves that wanting more is greedy or broken. And the relationship stays “safe” but slowly erodes from the inside.

In our Evolutionary Sex model, we ask a provocative question:

What if being fully honest is the most loving thing you can do?

We believe intimacy isn’t about being everything to each other—it’s about creating the space where everything that’s true can be spoken. Without fear. Without punishment. Without shame.

This doesn’t mean every desire needs to be acted on. But every truth deserves to be heard.

Let’s Be Real: Monogamy Isn’t the Enemy—Silence Is

This isn’t a monogamy-bashing post. You can be in a monogamous relationship and be deeply connected, honest, and evolving. But only if you’re willing to update the rules. Only if you trade the fantasy of “perfect love” for the reality of authentic love.

And if you’re practicing ethical non-monogamy, this matters even more. Because openness without honesty is just chaos in a prettier costume.

What Do You Really Want?

Here’s a little challenge. Ask yourself:

• What am I afraid to tell my partner?

• What do I pretend not to feel?

• What have I labeled “unacceptable” in myself that I still secretly long for?

Now imagine what your relationship would feel like if those things could be spoken… and held with compassion instead of fear.

That’s the work. That’s the edge. That’s evolutionary sex.